Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Welcome to Sin News: Journalism for Digital Millenials Who Want the Truth (McSweenys)

If you don't get the joke watch anything recently put out by Vice News. The below will be that much more hilarious.

Welcome to Sin News: Journalism for Digital Millenials Who Want the Truth
// McSweeney's

We're Sin News — a new kind of news organization. We're hip. We're now. We're aimed at young, digital native audiences who give a damn. We get it.

We take drugs. Lots of drugs. And then we report on the news. We smoked a bunch of blunts and then interviewed the Undersecretary of the Treasury for Domestic Finance. We got high on ketamine, hosted a roundtable discussion about Aleppo, and came up with few, if any, meaningful insights. We injected ourselves with heroin and reported on how it feels good to sit in the corner of the room for a while. Too much for you to handle? Then change the channel, square.

Yeah, you could say that our angle, is a little… off. We film everything a few degrees off-center; not enough for you to notice right away, but enough so after a few minutes, you'll say, "I think the camera is a little off-center." Also, we overexpose all of our shots, and the subject is rarely in focus. Don't like it? Then go back to your lame news anchor and desk. We shoot all of our news footage on old iPhones, and we always get the notification that says we're running out of storage.

We think that censorship is bad. Most networks wouldn't show you a video of a clown punching a baby. But we would. We've got dozens of those videos. If you want censored news, then you can get the hell out of here. Yeah, we said "hell!" No suit is going to tell us what to say. We're modern day Edward R. Murrow's. We also say other words too, like "dick" and "poop."

We go places that normal news outlets won't go. We'll skydive into a volcano. We'll backflip into a war zone. We'll go to a really dope club and just dance. We report the stories that other outlets are too afraid to report. We'll do a five-part investigative series on spooky goblins. We'll open up a bunch of caskets to see if there are any vampires in them. We're not afraid! Except for the last one. We're kind of afraid of Draculas.

We don't just have cameras, we talk into them. We take the traditional narrative construction of the proscenium — the fourth wall demarcating performance from audience — and burn it to the goddamn ground because we don't play by your rules. We say things like, "I can't believe this. This is so weird. It's also dangerous," because otherwise, how would you know how unbelievable, weird, and dangerous the situation we've gotten ourselves into is? Yeah, that's right — we spell things out for you. Without nuance. Booooom!

We're really into branded content — which is like advertising, but for people who are rad. We report on the stories that you care about, and that our marketing partners care about. Here's a story about the adverse effects of ICE's crackdown on refugees from Honduras… and also, we're all pounding Diet Sprites!

We don't wear suits when we report the news. We wear jeans. And hoodies. And T-shirts. Sometimes, the T-shirts have band names on them, but other times they don't have any band names on them. Sometimes we want to wear the T-shirts with the band names, but we can't because we didn't do the wash. Are we blowing your mind right now? How does laundry work?

We're raw. We're wild. We tell our viewers what we're thinking, as we think it. We think Snowden is a hero. We think that transphobia is wrong. We think that a bird just flew by. Or, maybe it was a very large bug. Either way, did you see it? It looked cool.

We don't have researchers. We don't have fact checkers. We've got an intern in a gimp suit who listens exclusively to Phantogram and Beach House. Every so often, we give him an article to copyedit, or a granola bar to make sure he doesn't die, but that's only because if we don't, we'll go to jail.

We don't just report the news, we fuck the news. We go out with the news, grab a few beers, take the news back to our place, ask for consent, and then have sex with the news. We do all sorts of different positions, and experiment with some things with the news that we were always interested in, and had seen on the internet, but never really had the courage to try.

We're Sin News. We love stories. We love the news. We also love vaping.


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